


It's Hard To Let You Go

by bubble_bobb



Category: NCT (Band), Way V (Band)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 04:19:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14762480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubble_bobb/pseuds/bubble_bobb
Summary: It hurts, so much, to let someone go.but sometimes, it hurts even more, to hold on.





	It's Hard To Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Heyy, so yeah, i created this thing, i'm sorry it's so short but i became emotional myself while writing this, so yeah. Hope you enjoy (or not) please leave feedback, i'm sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes  
> \\(-•ω•-)/

_“Look! A shooting star, hurry and wish for something!“_

  
_“Okay,okay“_

  
_Kun closed his eyes and smiled as the younger, but taller, boy watched him closely. Yukhei smiled to himself, his eyes never leaving the older._

  
_“What did you wish for?“_

  
_Yukhei leaned closer and laid his head on the other’s shoulder with a sigh._

  
_“Do you really want to know?“_

  
_“Of course i do, i wouldn’t ask yo-“_

  
_The older turned his head and pressed his lips to the other boy’s ones quickly. Yukhei’s eyes widened, but he didn’t push him away, something felt so right about this moment that he couldn’t push Kun away. After a moment Yukhei felt his eyelids getting heavy and his lips returned the other’s kiss._

  
_Kun opened his eyes slowly and smiled against the other boy’s lips. The younger sat even closer, lifting Kun’s head with his fingers as he deepened the kiss, licking at his bottom lip and slipping his tongue into his mouth._

  
_They pulled away when they felt their lungs starting to burn. They pulled away and looked at each other, their eyes sparkling. ‘Did this really just happen?‘  Yukhei smiled and pressed his forehead against the older boy’s one. The other returned the smile and rested one of his hands on Yukhei’s temple._

  
_“Guess you feel the same way?“_

  
_I guess so“_

  
_The younger laughed and pressed his lips to Kun’s plush ones. They slowly laid down on the grass and looked at each other with love-illed eyes._

  
_The taller boy wrapped his arms around Kun’s waist and hid his blushing face in the crook of his neck.Kun smiled as he brought both of his hands to the other’s hair._

  
_“I love you“_

  
_"I love you too“_  
                       

          •ω•

  
The young boy turned to his side, clutching the photo closer to his chest. Quiet sobs turned into intense crying. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, his eyes puffy and hurt form all the crying.  
He buried his head deeper into the pillow and sobbed. Sobs turned into hiccups and hiccups into coughing.

  
He quickly sat up and coughed heavily. When he stopped the sobs returned but his eyes couldn’t form more tears.  
He slowly laid down on his bed again and laughed.

  
“Am i really the useless? I can’t even do the simplest thing like crying?“

  
He crossed his arms behind his head and looked at the photo, his eyes starting to hurt, but he didn’t care if it hurts him or not.  
He didn’t need anyone to feel bad for him.  
He didn’t want anyone to worry about someone like him.

  
All Yukhei wanted is HIM, he wants him back, wanted to see him, to feel him, to hug him once again and never, ever let go.

 

“God, i would do anything to see you again“

  
Yukheicried as he sat up and walked over to his computer and sat down. He looked at the phone in his hand, his favourite. That beautiful smile of his, and that dimple, it would make everyone fall for him.

 

“ _And don’t forget that i love you and i will never ever leave you_ “

  
"You promised..."

  
The younger brought both of his hands to his head and pressed on it to stop. Everything felt so wrong. Everything was wrong since it happened. He laid his head on the desk and inhaled sharply. He turned his head towards the door of his bedroom and stared at them until..

  
_Knock knock_

  
He didn’t expect anyone to come to him. Yukhei got up and walked over to the door, he was surprised to see his best friend, Chittaphon.

  
“H-Hey, Yukhei, haven’t seen you in a while. Just wanted to know if you’re… doing alright“

  
‘Of course i’m not alright!‘ Yukhei forced a smile and let the older in. He closed the door silently and sighed.

  
“Hey, do you want anything? Like a drink? Or something to ea-“

  
Yukhei stopped as he felt like if millions and millions of needles were going trough his head. He pressed the two of his hands to his head again and gritted his teeth, tears threatning to fall out of his eyes again.

  
“Oh God, Yukhei, are you okay?“

  
The older boy’s voice was heard from the other end of the room and the younger turned around to look at him, he didn't like this one bit.

  
“No, no, i’m not, i feel like i’m the most useless human being in the entire world“

  
Chittaphon stepped closer to the taller and wrapped his arms around his middle, hugging him tightly. The younger boy’s hands stopped in the air, but he didn’t let them get near the other boy. He felt his shirt getting wet, and tears started to pool up in his own eyes again, it burned, but he didn’t care, he couldn't care less about the burn.

  
“Chitt, i really appreciate that you came here to make sure i’m alright, and i‘m really grateful for it, but i think you should go, i feel like something inside of me could, just, you know. And i don’t wanna hurt you, not you, so please… go“

  
Yukhei sobbed, pointing to the door with his shaky hand. The older lifted his head up and nodded, picking his backpack and walking towards to door. Chittaphon turned around for the last time, Yukhei’s back facing him.

  
“Please take care, i’m here for you if you need anything, just know that“

                                  •ω•

  
The moment the door closed, tears rolled down Yukhei's cheeks and he sniffled silently. After few minutes he picked up his jacket from his bed and put on his black combat boots. He wanted to leave when he realized that he didn’t have his keys, and phone, and started looking for it, something finally distracting him for a second.

  
After few minutes, half an hour to be exact, he found his keys, and took his phone and walked out of his apartment.

  
He got into his car and drove over to his other "friend’s" house. He wasn't sure if he could still call them friends or if he ever could, they just began to talk to him and worry about him since that accident happened. When he got there, he looked out of the car window and sighed deeply. He got out and walked up the steps to the large front door..

  
He knocked softly on the door, not actually expecting anyone to answer. Yukhei stood there for few seconds before a much shorter male opened the door.

  
“Oh, h-hey, Yukhei!“

  
“Hey, can i come in? Just for a second?“

  
Taeil nodded and let the other in, closing the door silently. They walked into the living room, the younger surprised to see one of his not really good 'friends', more likely enemies, Dongyoung.

  
“Hey Yukhei“

  
“Hi“

  
Yukhei sat opposite the two older boys. They all sat in not so comfortable silence before the oldest started talking again.

  
“So, Yukhei, how have you been? Are you.... alright?“

  
Taeil asked while he picked up his cup of tea and sipped out of it carefully, never breaking the eyes contact with Yukhei. The younger snorted and looked at his older friend.

  
“What do you think? Do i look alright?“

  
Yukhei gestured towards himself and laughed. He placed his hands on his knees again and rubbed them slightly, closing his eyes while he tossed his head back, he looked at the oldest again with a serious and tired expression.

  
“i’m really not, and i’m really grateful that you care, but it won’t be that easy for me to get over it, i just don’t think i can do that, ever“

  
Taeil bit his lip and slowly got up and sat next to the boy, hugging him tightly. Yukhei’s head snapped towards him and he lifted his arms in the space above Tail's head slightly, not letting them touch the boy, not when he knew what he could do.

 

“Please, don’t…“

  
“No, you need it, i know it won’t do much, but still“

  
“I-I SERIOUSLY, DON‘T“

  
Dongyoung watched as the two men talked on the sofa in front of him, with his eyebrows furrowed and mouth slightly curved downward. He got up and walked over to the two men, taking the younger boy’s collar into his fist.

  
“What the fuck, he’s just trying to help you!“

  
“You don’t get it, i don’t want to hurt hi-“

  
Dongyoung only snickered, as he picked Yukhei up by his collar, his hand being more in the air then before because of the boy’s height, pinning him to the wall near by. Taeil stood up in shock, his whole body frozen in place from the scene he had right in front of his eyes.

 

“No, YOU don’t understand, you think you’re the only one that loved Kun, huh? The olny one that cared? That you’re so special?“

  
In that moment Yukhei’s eyes watered and mind went blank and his hand made it's way to the older boy’s one and he grabbed it tightly, squeezing it more and more. He pulled the hand away from his collar and raised it upward, above Dongyoung's head, making him hiss in pain. Yukhei enjoyed the fear he could see in the shorter male’s eyes and smiled. The other hand wrapped itself around the boy’s lower part of his neck but before he could do anything, another person’s hand was grabbing his and pulling it away from Dongyoung.

  
“Yukhei!“

  
"i-i’m sorry, i didn’t mean…, i didn’t want to…, i gotta go“

 

Yukhei released the other’s hand and ran out of the door. Taeil stepped to the other male in the room and held his hand tightly as the other wrapped his arms round him, rocking him from side to side.

The younger got into the car and drove away with tears treaming down his face, he didn't want this, he thought he was finally okay.

  
He turned left and right before he finally got to the place he wanted and got out of the car. He reached inside of his pocket and pulled out the photo, the photo of a person he loved so much. He pressed the photo to his chest while he dabbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

  
He kneeled in front of that piece of stone, that seemed so meaningless to him few years ago. He changed so much, everything around him changed, he didn’t have anyone to tell him that he’ll be alright, that what he felt would go away, to hold him when he couldn’t keep up with things and himself, to remind him he's not alone.

  
He didn’t have that.  
That, what he needed the most, left him.  
Alone, useless and broken.

  
He placed his hands in front of him, his head slowly falling down into them. He looked up when suddenly he felt a wave of fear wash over him. Everything started spinning and his vision went blurry and he felt like he’s going to throw up. He started shaking, more and more as the seconds passed.

  
“No, not again“

  
He quietly said as he almost couldn’t catch his breath and started coughing, he felt his heart pounding against his ribcage like if it was ready to break it and burst trough. He gripped the grass and dirt tightly with one hand the other placed where his heart was beating so fast, still cluthing the photo.  
He started rocking himself back and forth (so slightly, you'd say he wasn't moving) like HE used to do when this used to happen. After few more minutes it stopped, compleastly, and he started breathing heavily, his vision focusing once again.  
He looked at the grave stone and giggled. ‘it happened, again‘ he thought and he kneeled normally again, a light pain shooting trough his back.

  
“I miss you, so much“  
“No matter what i did, or said, there is not a single moment when i don’t think of you“

  
Yukhei looked up to the sky, it was cloudy, grey, not pretty, not anymore. He used to love rain, used to enjoy storms, used to make fun of Kun for being scared. He used to protect Kun, whisper that it’s gonna be okay into his ear while rubbing his back.

  
“You were always scared of storms, remember?“

  
“We used to watch movies and cuddle to not think about it“

  
He smiled as he felt something hot roll down his cheek to his neck, he looked at his hands, oh God, the unpretty scars, he promised to never do it again, ever. He promised to throw all of his plls and blades away, everything, leave the dark past behind, he used to be happy, he always had HIM by his side to calm him down.

  
“ _Luke, Lucas, Xuxi, yeah, i like that, it's cute, i’ll call you that_ “

  
“ _Cas, i’ll never leave you alone or behind, i love you_ “

  
“ _Please, take care of yourself_ “

 

" _It's just few hours, I have to go to work_ "

  
“ _I’ll be back before you know it_ “

 

_"Promise"_

  
He started shaking all over again, the arms that were supporting him all this time gave out, he couldn’t do this anymore. But, what was he supposed to do? He’s not strong enough to harm himself even more, he would back out of it, he knew that.

  
"I miss your voice that always calmed me down, your smile, your smell, your hugs, your lame jokes, how you made me feel, your everything“

  
“Why did you leave me?“

  
Yukhei sobbed quietly, as lifted up his head to look into the sky once again. He felt the wind hitting his side but he couldn’t care less. The water drops started falling onto his shoulders and head, until they were everywhere. 

  
“You promised to- promised to never leave me“

  
He looked at the picture and a small smile was formed on Yukhei's lips, HIS smile was so bright, so peaceful, so warm, so inviting, so… heart melting.

  
No matter what anyone said, Kun was beautiful, the younger knew that, and he would do some things if someone said otherwise.

  
He stood up, the photo falling from his hand onto the dirt, the water drops covering Kun’s face. Yukhei watched it fall and smiled again, the smile turning into giggling and giggling turning into laughing.

  
                                       •ω•

  
He spun himself around slowly, his hand going up to his hair as he tangled his fingers in it. He laughed hysterically before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and hiis head snapped to that someone who touched his shoulder and then back.

  
“If you came here just to tell me that you knew him better or that you loved him more, you can leave, i know that already“

  
Yukhei said coldly, his hands falling to his sides. The other person turned him around and softened his grip on the boy’s shoulder, but not quite letting go.

  
“No, i’m here to help you, i’m here to drive you home“

  
“My car is right there, i can drive home alone, and i don’t want anyone helping me, that means, you can go, thank you anyway“

  
Yukhei said, his eyes never leaving the ground. The other released his grip after that, letting the boy move more backwards before his back met a tree. He hissed in pain and rubbed his temple, as a branch poked his neck. Johnny turned around and sighed as he began walking away, but a hand grabbed his wrist and he stopped.

  
“Johnny, please, drive me home, i don’t think that i can do that by myself, please“

  
                                   •ω•

  
“I think i can take it from here, thank you“

  
Yukhei unlocked the door to his apartment and leaned against the frame of the door.

  
“Are you sure?“

 

“I am thank you for everything, you should go back to Chitt, i don't want you to get in trouble because of me“

 

Johnny nodded and waved the boy goodbye as he made his way down the stairs. Yukhei closed the door and headed straight for his bedroom.  
He threw himself on the bed and curled up into a ball. Kicking off his shoes, Yukhei covered himself with a blanket and in few minutes he fell asleep, with his cheeks stained with hot tears.

  
Sleep, and the sweet dream land.  
The only thing he loved about every day since it had happened.  
The time they could be toghether, not caring about anything, or anyone.  
Just the two of them, happy, together, forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, please leave kudos or a comment <3


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